The Random Thoughts That Held Together by Words. Comprehensibility is Optional. You've Been Warned.

Years have gone by and I still haven't managed to overcome my mountain. That very mountain that I've climbed by walking and crawling for oh so long. Too tough, too huge, and seems endless. Though somehow I realize that the actual problem comes within. Too weak? Too naive? and seem helplessly perfectionist?

I feel not awesome.

And having Insomnia as your self-proclaimed best friend brings more damage than benefit. I hate you Insomnia. Why you love me?

I long for a life.

A life where team work is more popular than individualism competition. Where proclaiming yourself as an 'artist' within the family doesn't equal 'loser'. While proclaiming yourself as an 'artist' doesn't mean as an excuse for your lack of grasp on scientific matters. Or how bad you are with numbers.

Or does it?

Where parents don't say such daunting words that ironically meant as encouragement: If everybody else can do it, why not you?. No parents, not everybody can do what somebody can do. If not, everybody would have became a President. And everybody would have became rich. Real world doesn't work that way. Real world would chew you with no mercy and spit you. Real world would make you feel on top and then drop you until you hit the rock bottom. I've hit my rock bottom. Or what I'd like to think as my rock bottom. Because to have to go through something more devastating than that in the future is unimaginable. Although by seeing how the world works, it's not entirely impossible.

I don't understand how the world works.

Why people have to live? Why is it so hard to feel happy while you're surrounded by comforts? Why is it have to be so hard for one to see the other side of the planet one lives in? Will dreams become fulfilled one day? Or it will remain as dreams until the day we die? Why Peter Schmeichel has to grow old and thus stop playing for Manchester United? I love Peter Schmeichel. Why people have to be so harsh? Why people like to let one down and humiliate her in public, in front of her so called friends that have already underestimated her? Why people like to underestimate somebody? An unconscious act purely as an outcome of one's ego? Or a way to make one feels superior than the other? The world is a sad place sometimes.

Have you sensed any coherence yet?

Not my fault if thoughts in my mind run faster than my ability to type.

Happiness, you are now my obsession. You're like that rare creature that only occurs once in a blue moon. I'm not talking about that good feeling that you have when you can eat your fav food or that time when you bought that piece of necklace that you've been yearning for. That's happiness, but in a modest scale. I'm talking about this particular species of happiness that makes you feel good about yourself entirely, as a solid person. The one that will last longer than 5 minutes. The one that strong enough, bright enough, beautiful enough to makes you radiant with positive energy, that will spread to people near you.

Does such thing exist?

That's the beauty of mystery. The uncertainty.

Dear God The Almighty, this is my soliloquy.

A sinner who longs for your Mercy.

Because even if the world is merciless I know You're not.

Because even if I don't understand how the world works I know You understands me.

And that's all that matters.

That's all that matters...

FIN.